


It's my party (and I'll cry if I want to)

by GHOSTSCRIPTUM



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Birthday, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Trauma, Uzumaki Naruto Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26943685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GHOSTSCRIPTUM/pseuds/GHOSTSCRIPTUM
Summary: Just a teeny tiny birthday fic that's pretty much all Naruto being angsty. Except by angsty I mean traumatized.
Kudos: 20





	It's my party (and I'll cry if I want to)

Naruto  _ looks  _ older. He's sure you're not supposed to be able to tell, that he heard somewhere that because you change so gradually, it's impossible to see the difference without photographs, but he remembers how he looked the same time last year; the same face, the same hairstyle, the same clothes, it's all just so much older now. 

Maybe this is just how growing up feels, how maturing feels. He remembers being thirteen and excited every time he grew another inch. He remembers how much he wanted what he has now- to be seen, most times, as an adult, to be tall, to be a good ninja, to stop feeling like he's always looking up at or chasing after people. All the things an adult was meant to be and do. He lived every day looking ahead of him, looking at the future, dreaming about the world that would be. Now, if he had the choice, he would go back and freeze it. Or do better.

But that's the way with these things: Time doesn't go backwards for people. Time doesn't follow anyone else's whims. It's a steady stream that pushes on. The things you carry with you are inescapable and anything left behind, you can't get back. 

He can't help but think that most of the people he knows now would be disappointed in the way he's thinking. He doesn't blame them. There's a sort of irony in that, because it's just another form of the same thing, of them wanting him to stay the same. When it comes down to it, though he can't bring himself to feel bad about it. How can he weigh his own dreams against the lives of people he called comrades? Friends? How can he weigh the value of each skill he's learned in the past year against the value of every breathing second in the same amount of time that someone will never again get the chance to live and come out of it optimistic? He doesn't care if it makes him wrong, or old, or downright pitiful. He would trade every inch he was so happy to get for his friends back. He would give up his dreams if it meant he didn't have to lose anyone again. 

He's tired. He's sick of sleeping just to have bad dreams. He tugs at his hair, his father's hair- it's getting long enough that he resembles the man now, and it hurts every time he sees it. It's been a year now since he said goodbye to the father he never really got to have. Since he watched Obito's body turn to ash in his hands. It's been a year and one day since Neji. And so, so many more on the battlefield. It's been well over a year since they lost Jiraiya and Nagato and It's been eighteen since his parents died holding him. 

People tell him that it makes him strong, that they gave up their lives so that he could keep living, and that it should give him the will to carry on, that it means they've passed their strength on to him. He's struggling to understand how all that death could mean anything at all. He thinks that maybe everyone's just grasping at hope. And if they're not, if they're right in the end, how many more people will have to give up their lives for Naruto to become hokage? And how many more people will he still fail to save? 

He's getting more tired all the time, and he isn't entirely sure he believes that there's a point to any of this. Every morning he gets up and looks in the mirror at himself and sees instead the faces of the people he's left behind. Inch by inch, every time he gets taller, or his hair gets longer, he sees the faces of the dead. He imagines what his parents would be having for breakfast, what conversations Obito would be having with Kakashi, what Neji would look like if he'd been allowed to live past 18, the age Naruto was now. He sees the endless list of lives cut short flicker before him and he wonders if by some miracle, he's living up to their expectations instead of wasting the precious seconds they gave to him. In an attempt to waste less, he looks away from the mirror and sets himself on the task of getting ready for the day. 

It's not half an hour later that he's standing across the street from Ichiraku's, where his teammates sit and wait for him. Sakura is arguing with Sai about eating before Naruto arrives, Kakashi is half listening to Iruka talk animatedly, and Yamato is balancing his time between mediating and joining the conversation. Naruto sighs as he takes a moment just looking at them, but it's as fond as it is exhausted. 

"Wow, you even managed to get the hokage to come!" He exclaims as he approaches. It's a joke that everyone but him is already tired of and Sakura snaps at him lightheartedly before they've all even turned around to face him. 

"You're late  _ and  _ your joke wasn't funny. Do you know how lo-" there's a moment of stunned silence that no one rushes to fill. "Naruto. Your  _ hair. _ " 

"Looks good, right? I felt like I could use a change." 

Kakashi is the first one to come back from the shock and return to his usual calm demeanor. "It looks good. Makes you look more mature." 

"Huh, really? I thought it'd make me look a little younger…" he says, idly patting it. 

"No, it really suits you." Yamato assures him, and Naruto almost laughs at how backwards that attempt is. 

"...now that you're all grown up." Iruka says suddenly from where he's been sitting quietly. He looks on the verge of tears as he stands to give Naruto a hug. 

"I think it looks good, too." Sai adds, already eating his ramen. If his etiquette hasn't improved, at least his compliments have. Sakura nods and hits Sai on the back of the head. 

"What did I do this time?" Sai asks with genuine curiosity. 

"We just talked about this!" Sakura cries and Sai gives her a weird look. 

"You said to wait for Naruto, and Naruto is here now." He points out.

Sakura sighs. "I meant until he's got his food." Naruto laughs, still trapped in Iruka's embrace. 

"Thank you guys." He says, voice a little scratchy. Maybe Iruka's tears are contagious. Just in case, he pulls away and he definitely doesn't have to wipe his eyes with his sleeve. "Now when do I get to eat?" 

"Happy birthday, Naruto." 

He smiles as he sits down and he tries to think hard about not thinking, so he can enjoy this moment as it is. T onight, for the first time in Naruto's 18 years, they will have cake, and they will toast to another year as if it is not stolen, as if he will not spend the rest of his life living on borrowed time. 

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to get this account started with a little angsty Naru on his birthday. Hope you guys enjoyed. Idk if his haircut was ever explained in canon but I kind of like the idea that he did it because of this.


End file.
